


The Diner

by rose_malmaison



Category: due South
Genre: Angst, Due South - Freeform, Established Relationship, Future Fic, M/M, Pre-Slash, Slash, Ten Years On, Unrequited Love, dsss 2012, due South Seekrit Santa Challenge, post-cotw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-16
Updated: 2012-12-16
Packaged: 2017-11-21 07:46:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rose_malmaison/pseuds/rose_malmaison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray Vecchio and Ray Kowalski have a late-night meal with Benton Fraser, who has returned to Chicago for an undetermined reason, ten years post-COTW. Vecchio hankers after him. (Includes scat of a different kind.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Diner

**Author's Note:**

  * For [exbex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/exbex/gifts).



> For: due South Seekrit Santa 2012  
> Request: Benton Fraser/Ray Vecchio, Ray Kowalski, Fanfiction. I hanker for a future fic (about ten years in the future post-COTW). Anything goes, except for scat, watersports, and facials.
> 
> Rating: R for language, sex  
> Pairing: Kowalski/Fraser, Vecchio/Fraser  
> Characters: Raymond Kowalksi, Ray Vecchio, Benton Fraser, Stella, Lt. Welsh  
> Genre: Post-COTW, Ten Years On, Angst, Pre-slash, Slash, Established relationship.  
> Betas: Lynn and Combatcrazy  
> Words: 13,000+ words in 18 parts

**The Diner**

**1\. The Here and Now - Snowfall**

_Chicago, 2010_

Ray Vecchio is sitting in his favorite booth over at Clark's Diner on North Lincoln, where he has a good view of the street through the large plate glass window. It's cold enough that there's hardly anyone out there, except for Kowalski, who is pacing back and forth, practically dancing, on the sidewalk. Ray shakes his head. He told him to wait inside, where it's warm and the coffee is halfway decent, but when did the guy ever listen to him?

Any minute it's going to start to snow again. The streets are lined with knee-high snowbanks, and a fresh dusting won't remain pristine very long once the traffic gets moving again. It's only January, and Ray has already had enough of yet another long Chicago winter. Even now his hip aches where they dug the slug out of it a few years back, and he wishes he was at home with a heating pad. Shit, he's barely fifty and he's already an old man.

Heat, that's what Ray's craving, like Miami's, where constant heat and humidity seeps right down into your bones. Last time he was there was ten years ago, when he was crazy in love with Stella – crazy enough to get hitched after knowing her for only a few weeks. Even though they ended up back in Chicago after nine months, and went their separate ways, he never regretted the time they had together.

Ray can feel the hot sand between his toes, the sun beating on his back, and he can smell the pineapple suntan lotion she used to slick him up when they ran out of lube. It makes him yearn, not for Stella, but for somewhere hot to retire.

Not Vegas though. Vegas had a whole other kinda heat goin' on. It took Ray forever to lose the stench of death that clung to him long after the job was over and done. Even now, on days when he feels like he's about to jump out of his own skin, he can smell it. Sits heavy in the back of his throat, coppery and foul. All it takes is a side trip down a rank alley, past the open back door of a scummy bar, and it comes flooding back: the stink of old piss mixed with stale cigarettes and booze, and the sharp tang of sweat dripping off some poor schmuck who has just realized he's about to die.

Ray reaches for his coffee cup with a trembling hand. He takes a big gulp and, almost as an afterthought, checks that Kowalski is still out there. Yeah, he's still walking back and forth, pausing every few steps to peer down the street.

Kowalski pulls up the collar of a worn leather jacket that's seen better days, his shoulders hunched against the cold. He looks more like a young punk waiting to make a score than a seasoned cop with twenty-eight years under his belt. He even has a cigarette hanging off his lip, though he hasn't lit one up for a year now. Ray had been after him to quit that disgusting habit for years, but it wasn't 'til Stella had a run-in with the big C that Kowalski finally got the message. Of course living with him while he quit cold turkey was no picnic, but at least he has now sworn off cigarettes.

Kowalski has paused under the streetlight. He's staring down the street, and his blond hair, shot through with silver, is standing straight up and shining like it's alight. It starts to snow. As if that's a sign from above, the action starts. Kowalski runs forward to meet the man he's been waiting for, and Ray sees a flash of red and then the white gleam of teeth.

It's Fraser, grinning, hugging Kowalski so hard he's lifting him off his feet, enveloping him in his greatcoat.

Ray rises from his seat in anticipation, but before he can decide if he should go out in the cold and meet them, or sit his ass back down and stop looking like an over-eager fool, the diner's glass door swings open and in they come, Fraser and Kowalski, practically on top of each other. They're all smiles and eyes brimming with fucking _joy_. The snow swirls around them and for an instant it's like time is suspended, and the diner becomes their own personal snow globe.

The hell with sitting there, trying to act cool. Ray is on his feet and he's caught up in an embrace, and he's grinning, too, and he smells wet wool and pine and wild places and other impossible things and _God_ , it's so damned good, it makes him homesick for something he's never had. He chokes out, "Benny, Jesus, I…" _I missed you, damn it._

"Ray, Ray!"

Ray's heart is beating a mile a minute and he's totally exposed and he hates it. He's giving too much away, staring at Fraser like he's in love or something. But then they've ditched their coats and they're seated in the booth, and the questions are tumbling out, like how was Fraser's trip and what does he want to eat, and Kowalski shouts, "Waitress, bring a big pot of black coffee and some of your best bark tea," which starts them all laughing.

God, what he wouldn’t give to be working with Fraser again. Even living in the same city – okay, _country_ – would be good, the _best_.

Kowalski has taken the window seat next to Ray so they're both facing Fraser. Ray is surprised; he would have thought that Kowalski would sit next to Fraser so they could rub elbows, which is all they can get away with in public.

 

**2\. Back in the Day - Call of the Mild**

After word came that they had caught Muldoon, Ray expected both Kowalski and Fraser to return to Chicago. Instead, they took off on some harebrained adventure, acting like school kids let out early on a spring day. They were on a dog sled, in the fucking dangerous _Arctic_.

Ray had figured that Kowalski would move on, to another district maybe, and then Ray would get Benny back as a partner and things would return to the way they were. Seeing that there was no indication as to when they'd come back, or if they'd come back at _all_ , Ray said the hell with the both of them.

He was still on medical leave due to the damned bullet hole in his chest, and he was contemplating taking the retirement package he'd been offered, so there was plenty of time to pursue Stella. Somehow he managed to act like a semi-sane guy when he was around her.  She was good for him, and the way she looked at him like he was _something_ , and believed in him, did wonders for his ego. Ray kept wondering how crazy was it that he wanted to marry Kowalski's ex-wife, and how crazy _she_ was to stick around, even after she witnessed him going through a bad case of the shakes when he heard a truck backfire. Stella was a tough girl and she'd been a cop's wife, so she knew the lay of the land.

By the time Fraser and Kowalski got back to Chicago almost four months later, Stella was already Mrs. Raymond Vecchio, and Ray was ensconced in her fancy, high-rise condo. It was nice, and there was some pretty hot sex going on, but his daily life was on hold. While Stella was working long hours, he got to sit around and heal, which was as boring as watching an ice floe thaw. The longer Ray sat around doing nothing, the less appealing retirement seemed.

***–***

Apparently the Quest was over, and they'd found whatever it was they were looking for out in the frozen wasteland. Not only did Kowalski come back, but so did Fraser and Diefenbaker, which surprised Ray. He'd had a feeling that Fraser would get one whiff of all that snow and he'd forget his friends back in Chicago.

The dumb Polack had lost the tip of a toe to frostbite, but it didn't slow him down at all. As for Fraser, he kept looking at Kowalski and smiling a lot, and Kowalski was _not_ looking at Fraser, in a pretty obvious way, and he was smiling a lot, too. Nobody else seemed to notice anything was different between them, but it didn't take Ray long – like maybe three whole seconds – to figure out that Kowalski and Benny had connected in a way that he did _not_ want to know about.

As expected, Kowalski went ballistic as soon as he heard about the wedding. He turned up at their door, shouting and getting in Ray's face. But Stella, she stood between them and made it clear to Kowalski that she wouldn’t tolerate him interfering with her happiness. Ray never found out exactly what she said to her ex because she had it out with him in the bedroom and the walls of her condo were too thick for Ray to hear more than the occasional raised voice. Whatever she said, Kowalski pretty much kept out of their hair after that.

The first time Fraser came over for dinner, along with Diefenbaker, the mutt stuck his snout up Stella's dress. Needless to say, Stella kicked Dief out so fast she almost caught his tail in the door. Ray made sure that, when Fraser left after dinner, he took a dog/wolfie bag with him.

Kowalski went back to working out of the two-seven temporarily while the brass figured out what to do with him. Ray ran into him a few times when he went to the station to see the guys, or to test the waters to see if Lieutenant Welsh was open to reinstating him. Kowalski glared at Ray and he did this snarling thing if they got too close, and once Huey had to get between them before they drew blood, but it was mostly posturing. 

They didn't have the luxury of Fraser acting as a buffer because the Mountie was busy liaising with his new boss, now that the Ice Queen had made a big career move and was busting humps up north. Of course Ray took every opportunity to antagonize Kowalski, but finally Stella had enough and said, "Let's go somewhere warm, get out of this rat race," and they did.

***–***

Nine months later, Ray returned from Florida, alone, divorce papers jammed into his luggage.

Kowalski practically danced around when he heard that Ray and Stella's divorce was final. Not that Kowalski had any delusions about getting back together with his (their) ex-wife – or so he said. He was just happy that Ray was no longer married to his one-and-only.

So he said.

***–***

Welsh looked at him over the top of his reading glasses and asked, "Should I be pleased to see you, Mr. Vecchio?"

Ray shifted his weight and cracked his knuckles, and tried to act nonchalant, but when he opened his mouth, the words that came out were more of a whine. "Retirement sucks, Lieu."

Welsh snorted. "Figured as much." He looked past Ray's shoulder and called out the open office door to the detectives and assorted others going about their business, "Pay up! I win the pool."

 

**3\. Back in the Day - Handguns and Hauntings**

Ray was not in a good place at that time. The house on North Octavia was empty except for him because Ma was staying at her sister's house while she recuperated from a hip replacement.

He was waking up several times a night in a cold sweat, reaching for the handgun he kept under his pillow when he heard the slightest noise, even though the department had taken away not only his service revolver, but his backup, too. He still had his street connections and had no compunction about handing out some cash for an illegal weapon.

Ray thought he'd been holding it together pretty good since Vegas, but his breakup with Stella tore him apart and he was right back to square one. He had panic attacks, got the shakes, and kept getting visits from the people he'd killed. The scary part was that he was carrying on pretty interesting conversations with them.

The department was making him see a shrink three times a week, and it was up to him to prove that he wasn't totally fucked up –

Issues included:

  1. ~~emerging from a long-term undercover job in which he committed violent acts that he'd rather not remember~~
  2. ~~unable to get back into the groove, unsure of who the fuck he was, and dealing with a lot of anger~~
  3. ~~problems dealing with others, which wasn't anything new, so maybe scratch that one~~
  4. ~~getting shot in the line of duty as soon as he got home, and coming way too close to knocking on those pearly gates~~
  5. ~~separation anxiety due to his former partner leaving for foreign parts along with the guy who has been impersonating him~~
  6. ~~repressed homosexual tendencies that are gonna damn well stay repressed~~
  7. ~~carrying on conversations with dead people in his kitchen every night and finding he sorta liked having them because a man can't have enough friends~~
  8. ~~Stella~~



– and that he was capable of returning to his job, so of course Ray never mentioned the ghosts to the shrink. Or the depths he sank to while undercover. Or how he didn't answer to his real name a couple of times. Or his personal life with Stella. Or how he felt about Fraser and how he missed the old days when he had him at his side every day.

He might be disturbed but he wasn't _crazy_.

Ray decided that he wanted to get back to work, but the truth was that he wasn't sure he _should_ go back. Only last night he was up at three a.m., having a heart-to-heart discussion with a two-bit hood named Joey Scarpo, about how Joey was adding too much oregano to Ma's sauce recipe. He was heavy-handed with the garlic, too. Ray had liked Joey, even though he'd had to put a cap in his head, to keep his cover from being blown. When Joey's back was to Ray, he could see the hole in the back of his skull, so it was definitely _Twilight Zone_ time in the Vecchio kitchen with the two of them swapping recipes like they were the best of pals.

Maybe the shrink was right. Maybe he wasn't salvageable. Dr. Weeman tried to hide the fact that he expected Ray to have a meltdown in the squad room the moment someone looked at him sideways. One thing the doc was not good at was hiding his thoughts. His eyes gave him away every time; he'd be lousy at undercover work.

It was when Ray saw the same thing in Stella's eyes, the doubt, the edge of fear, he knew in his gut that it signaled the end of their marriage.

The doc gave him prescriptions for God knows what: depression, anxiety, whatever. Ray took them at first, the little blue ones and the big black ones, and the ones that looked like bird droppings, but they doped him up so much he couldn’t drive (he did, anyway), and his legs felt like rubber and he couldn't get a hard-on. Worst thing was, Joey stopped coming around in the night, and he got lonely.

The department owed Ray, big time, for his part in taking down those wiseguys in Vegas, so he went down to headquarters with his union rep and signed all the papers that were the first step towards making him a cop again. It turned out that Welsh had been holding his position open at the 27th. Sneaky bastard. Technically, it was Kowalski who'd been his placeholder, and a pretty good one, from what Ray had heard. Anyway, they didn't slam the door in his face, or his tail, when he showed up at the two-seven.

Welsh braced his hands on his paper-strewn desktop, leaned forward, and warned, "Provided you pass the psych eval, Detective Vecchio."

At least he was calling him 'detective.'

Ray reminded himself that he'd been able to fool the mob for two years, and he was damned good (okay, he _used_ to be good) at undercover work, so he applied himself and acted like he was perfectly sane and fully capable of working as a detective. While he did his song and dance, and told the shrink what he wanted to hear, Ray sat on his trembling right hand and hoped his smile wasn't too strained.

Dr. Weeman bought it, lock, stock and barrel. He rubber-stamped a pile of official forms and a couple of days later Ray was back at his old desk like he'd never been away.

_'Thank you, Jesus.'_

"Desk only, until the end of the month," Welsh said firmly.

So Ray eased his way back in. He shuffled papers and typed up reports, and did all sorts of crap like conducting prelim interviews with the parade of lowlifes that the detectives cuffed to the chair next to his desk, one at a time. He made nice with the other cops and smiled until his jaw ached. Kept busy. Kept telling himself he could do this. Drank a lot of coffee and flushed his meds down the john. It was tough at first, but once he got into the swing of things, Ray discovered how much he wanted his old life back, so bad he could _taste_ it, and it didn't taste like dried blood, neither.

Welsh kept a close eye on him because Frannie wasn't around to take care of her big brother. She'd landed a job as a nail technician and moved to the suburbs with her kid in tow. Ray had a feeling from the way she looked, all glowing and plump in the face, that she was expecting another one. He'd given up asking questions as to who the father was.

Kowalski was around. He still got in Ray's face, but he seemed almost mellow in comparison to the way he used to be. He was still partnered up with Fraser, and as soon as Fraser was done with his consular duties they'd disappear together for hours. Ray would watch them head out, see the way Fraser leaned into Kowalski to tell him something, so their shoulders were touching, catch the way Kowalski slung his arm around Fraser's shoulder.

It was killing him.

Ray made himself do normal stuff, like going out for a couple of beers down at the lanes with his fellow cops. He checked out Huey and Dewey's comedy club, which wasn't half as bad as he'd expected. He even put in some effort and flirted with the pretty new civilian aide who typed really fast and showed off her great legs with short skirts. It didn't make him feel any more normal, but at least people weren't eyeballing him like he was a whack-job any more.

 

**4\. Back in the Day - How to Lube a GTO**

How the hell Fraser did it, Ray didn't know, but somehow he talked him into going to a night baseball game, which would have been fine except that Kowalski tagged along. The game itself wasn't bad, and listening to Fraser talk about the plays was entertaining (he'd memorized the official baseball rule book, apparently), and Ray forgot about his troubles for a little while.

After the game, the three of them crammed into the front seat of the GTO, and headed home. While he drove, Kowalski talked about their trip to the Great White North and all the freeze-your-nuts-off places they'd been, not getting that Ray did not want to hear any of it.

It was apparent that it had been a trip of a lifetime for Kowalski. He was making a big deal about one of their many near-death experiences and Fraser was all, "I must say, Ray, that although slipping into that ice crevasse may have seemed fraught with danger at that particular moment, I can assure you that at no time…"

Ray was stuck in the middle, rubbing elbows with Fraser on one side, and with Kowalski, who was driving, on the other. It was way too cozy for comfort, but they didn't have far to go. Everything was fine until they were sitting at an intersection waiting for the red light to change.

Kowalski leaned forward, hugged the steering wheel and peered past Ray so he could look straight at Fraser. With a small, knowing smile on his lips, Kowalski looked at Fraser in a way that could only be termed 'eye-fucking'. "You coming back with me to my place tonight, or what, Frase?"

A that time, Kowalski was still living in the apartment that had been part of his cover, and Ray was all-too aware that there was only one bedroom. There was a couch but the implication in Kowalski's words was clear, and what killed Ray was that Fraser was doing some sexy eye contact right back, though in a more subtle, Fraser kinda way, which involved rubbing his eyebrow and shrugging one shoulder like he had a sudden itch he couldn't scratch in polite company.

Kowalski grinned, showing a lot of teeth, and then he sat back and adjusted himself in his tight jeans. Fraser made a funny sound and turned red.

They were acting like Ray didn't exist or something, and it pissed him off, big time. He rolled his eyes and complained _,_ "Hey! How about you keep your eyes on the road, Kowalski? The light's green."

Kowalski snorted, "Don't worry, Vecchio, you're not invited." He took his foot off the brake and accelerated, and at the next intersection he took a hard right towards the Vecchio home.

Fraser blushed furiously and said, "I do apologize, Ray." Ray crossed his arms and refused to respond, and Fraser stared out the side window the rest of the trip. Even so, Ray could tell Fraser was thinking about working up a good sweat fucking Kowalski as soon as they dumped him on his doorstep. He wanted to shake his friend and ask him what the hell was he doing, fucking around with Kowalski, for God's sake? He wanted to tell him he should go back to Canada, where he belonged, but he couldn’t get the words out.

As they sped down the dark Chicago streets, all of a sudden it was like a light switched on. And not just any light. No, this was _huge_ , one of those Vegas neon monstrosities, like the ten-story façade of the Riviera that was covered with a million colored light bulbs that switched on and off and morphed into brilliant pictures of starbursts and fireworks in a never-ending loop. It was like that. Blinding. Intense. Took his damned breath away.

That was when Ray knew. He knew that he wished it was _him_ that Fraser was looking at like he was good enough to eat. He wanted, more than anything, for it to be _his_ sweaty back that Fraser was going to lick, _his_ nipples he'd tweak, _his_ balls he'd caress and tug, and _his_ ass that Fraser was going to fuck hard into the mattress until he came, screaming out his name: _Benny!_

 _Holy Mother of–_.

Ray loved Benny. He really and truly did. It wasn't news, either. He'd loved him for a long time, and there was nothing wrong with that, but he'd never before pictured them doing _that_ together. Certainly not in glorious Technicolor. It was one thing having feelings for a guy and a whole other picturing Fraser sticking his dick in his ass, and wanting it _so much_ he had to bite down inside his cheek to stop himself from crying out with fucking need.

When they pulled up outside his house, Ray practically pushed Fraser out of the car so he could get the hell out. He ran up to the front door, and was inside and had slammed the door behind him, before Fraser had even finished asking him what was wrong. That night when he couldn't sleep and wandered down to the kitchen, Ray found Joey Scarpo had brought a couple of his dead friends along, and the four of them settled at the kitchen table and played cards and drank grapa until dawn.

 

**5\. The Here and Now - Years Apart**

Fraser's sitting opposite Ray, smiling like he just won the Iditerod. He's still wearing his red serge in the too-warm diner, but he doesn't even work up a sweat.

Having Fraser's smile directed at him takes Ray's breath away, but he manages to speak coherently enough to place his order when the waitress comes around again. He's starving, probably because he couldn’t keep anything down earlier today, what with the anticipation and all.

While they wait for their food to arrive, Kowalski talks to them about the sled dogs Fraser has been breeding. Dief has been gone for a few years now but apparently he fathered quite a few pups in his day. Kowalski knows all Fraser's dogs by name and pedigree, going way back, and he's become a kind of authority on who humped who, and which begat the other.

"Lizzie Borden's pups are all like little Diefs," Kowalski says. "I swear they all make a beeline for the donuts in my bag whenever I visit. The oldest in the latest bunch, Trudeau, he was real big when he was born, and he has this attitude, just like Dief had, you know? I worked with him over Christmas and we sorta bonded."

"You mean you spoiled him," Fraser says disapprovingly.

Kowalski doesn't let it bother him. "Yeah, well, a donut here and there is incentive. We're gonna get some great sled dogs out of this litter and–"

"What is this, sled-dog-ancestry.com?" Ray asks, sneering a bit.

Kowalski actually chuckles and says, "Hey, call me a freak. It's my thing."

Fraser says, quite seriously, "Pedigree is very important, Ray, when determining if the temperament and background is suitable for training and obedience under harsh conditions…"

Kowalski breaks in, demanding, "What? You calling me a mutt, Fraser? Seems to me I survived some pretty harsh conditions–"

"You did, indeed, and no, I would not designate you as being a mutt," he says to Kowalski, with a fond smile. "As you may know, the word mutt originates from mouton, meaning sheep, and…"

It strikes Ray at that point that Fraser has never said why he's visiting, or for how long he's staying. Earlier, when Ray asked Kowalski if he knew what was bringing Fraser to Chicago, Kowalski stared at him blankly and said they were supposed to meet him at Clark's. He was hiding something, Ray could tell, but he knew that pushing wasn't going to get him anywhere.

Meantime, Ray is happy that Fraser is here. It's been a while since he last saw him, and there are some new creases on his face, at the corners of his eyes and by his mouth, and when he isn't smiling he looks a little tired. Fraser's damned handsome no matter how deep his crow's feet are, and the gray at his temples gives him a distinguished appearance.

Then Fraser smiles again, wide enough to show his crooked tooth, and Ray, as his heart thumps away, looks away, which isn't like him at all. He's always been an in-your-face kinda guy but here he is, acting like a damned teenager, mooning over his best buddy. This is nuts and he's totally off-balance. They're friends, and he wants to keep it that way, no matter how much his dick seems to be craving to get up-close-and-personal with Fraser's body. _Jeez, get a grip, Vecchio._

Ray turns his head and discovers that Kowalski is looking at Fraser from under his eyelashes and smiling the exact same smile as Fraser is – though without the crooked tooth – and any idiot can see they've got something special going on.

It makes him feel like an intruder.

Ray's seen them together before but it's never been like this, with this wave of love and deep connection they've got going on, and it's so strong he's practically bowled over. It hits him that what Fraser and Kowalski have going for them is _forever_ , and what's more, he's not invited. It hurts, a lot more than it should. It's like he's missing out on something real important, something that he wants more than anything else in the world. Damn it, he wants it, and what's more, he _needs_ it. Fuck, he's nothing but a junkie coming off the hard shit without the benefit of a high.

Ray tries to count how many dots there are in a square inch of the speckled pattern of the formica tabletop, because he can't bear to look at the two men. The longer he doesn't look at them, the angrier he gets – at himself for being such a girl, and at the pair of them, too, for…for…Ray isn't quite sure why he's so mad at them, but he's furious, _furious_ that they're doing this to him, making him sit there while they get it on. It's like he's ten again, watching his older cousin Angelo making out with a girlfriend on the lumpy old couch in the basement; they're using him as cover and he's both fascinated and repelled.

When Ray makes the mistake of glancing up, he catches Fraser looking at him with concern, and his stomach lurches because Fraser can see him – really _see_ him, see that he's envious and fucking miserable – and he'll fucking _kill_ Fraser if he sees a hint of pity in those blue eyes.

Ray challenges him with a glare.

Fraser opens his mouth to say something, but at that moment the waitress appears with their food. By the time she's finished doing all her fussing and making goo-goo eyes at Fraser, and getting him a little individual pitcher of fresh cream for his tea, and unbends his spoon and then polishes it with her apron, which makes Kowalski laugh so hard he's holding his side. Fraser thanks her several times and the moment has passed, thank _God_.

Ray rubs his chest where he was shot years ago; it aches sometimes. He shifts in his seat because he's sweating and his ass is sticking to the fake leather of the booth, and he accidentally brushes against Kowalski's arm and it's like he's been burned. Elbows in and head down, he grabs his fork and digs into his food, but he feels Kowalski's eyes on him. They bore a hole in his head.

Suddenly angry, Ray turns on him, demanding, "What? _What?_ You want a taste of my meatloaf surprise, _Stanley_?"

Kowalski tenses and quickly leans back, but there's nowhere for him to go. He looks at Ray warily, and Ray knows he's gone too far.

Kowalski says, in a mild tone that he usually saves for hurt kids, "Just wanted you to pass the salt, _Raymond_."

 

**6\. Back in the Day - Roommates**

They'd shared a lot over the years, him and Kowalski, though not always at the same time: they'd shared the same first name, the same identity _and_ job at the 27th, as well as the same wife (who was now the same _ex_ -wife). They had even shared the same living quarters, ever since Ma passed away and Ray found his family home way too empty to live in by himself. Not that he was afraid of the ghosts or nothing, but a grown man didn't need his dead mother to be constantly telling him he needed to eat more. _Mangia! Mangia Raimondo!_ But God, when she and Joey got together, you should see the meals they cooked up in his kitchen.

Soon after Ma's funeral, when he obviously wasn't thinking straight, Ray offhandedly suggested to Kowalski that maybe he'd be interested in them getting a place together. They'd been partners for a couple of years and by that time were getting along pretty well. They'd spent so much time together every day that it just seemed like a natural extension of their working life. You'd think they'd have had enough of each other, but that wasn't so. Besides, Ray couldn’t think of anyone else, except for Fraser, who had tolerated him for this long.  It just seemed right, somehow.

There was a very long moment of silence while Kowalski digested the implications of the proposal, and Ray was thinking that he shouldn't have opened his fat mouth because this was the dumbest idea ever, when Kowalski shrugged and said, "Sure."

Kowalski was content to live in just about any dump, but Ray wasn't having none of that. He found them an enormous loft in a converted warehouse that suited both of their tastes. It wasn't going to break the bank because there was a lot of crime in the area so the price was low and, most importantly, it came with two secure, inside parking spots.

Ray had to drag Kowalski over to see it, but as soon as he saw the expanse of old wood floors, he fell in love with the place. He set up a heavy bag in one corner, along with his boxing stuff, and Ray put his weights and press bench nearby. They shoved an old couch and chairs over near the large windows, found crates for end tables, and spent an exorbitant amount on a huge TV with surround sound.

They'd barely moved in when Kowalski rolled up his sleeves and set to work renovating their home. He put in heavy gauge sheet metal countertops, and hung big lamps he made out of red oil cans, and welded all kinds of junk together – stuff he dragged out of old warehouses, from the looks of it – and created a cool space for them to live in.

Ray had a really bad feeling that the steel kitchen table had been rescued from the morgue, but as he ate in front of the TV most nights, he didn't ask. "What d'you call this?" he asked, when it was done, waving his arms around to indicate the loft.

Kowalski scratched his head and shrugged. "Dunno. Industrial chick, I guess."

 

**7\. The Here and Now - Rumba**

Kowalski has left a large area open in the loft, his 'personal space' he calls it, and that's where he dances, mostly late at night when he thinks there's nobody around. He turns up the volume on the stereo and dances by his lonesome to his favorite songs – always sad ones, Ray has noticed, especially when he's working on a tough case. Jazz and blues, and ones with a Latin beat, and when things were really bad, Kowalski would play songs by that Lhasa chick, the one who died of cancer.

Kowalski sways and turns, all grace and fluid movements, making it look so effortless.

Ray's ghosts didn't move to the loft with him, but he has to wonder what ghosts Kowalski is dancing with. Ray misses Joey Scarpo and his fettucini alfredo, and the way he used to cheat at cards, and he misses Ma, too, but he can live just fine without the ghosts.

If Kowalski knows that Ray watches him from the shadows, he never gives any sign.

 

**8\. The Here and Now - Sharing**

Kowalski makes the long journey to Freezerland every year, usually around the holidays. He trekked up there only last month, for Christmas. It's like he's a homing pigeon with a messed up sense of direction, or one of those snow geese that finds true north by using radar signals pinging in his brain. If anyone asks Ray, it's ass-backwards, heading up to the frigging coldest place on earth in the middle of winter.

And then, during the warmer months, Fraser negotiates a couple of weeks off and he'll fly south so he and Kowalski can trek to somewhere weird like…

"What was the name of that place?" Ray finishes up his meatloaf and signals the waitress for some fresh coffee. "And more tea for the Mountie." He asks Fraser, "Tell me again where you guys went last summer? Cowlick, Utah?"

"Ah, you must be referring to Goat Lick Crossing, at the Glacier National Park. It's in Montana, Ray. Quite scenic."

"I told you about it, showed you the pictures," says Kowalski, sounding peeved that Ray didn't remember. "We went rock climbing and Frase checked out the glazier deposits–"

"Glacier, Ray," Fraser gently corrects.

Kowalski continues as if he hasn't heard Fraser. "–and I gotta tell you, I don't know what the fuck those goats were licking, but Frase here got down on his hands and knees and joined in like it was some kind of gourmet treat."

"No way!" Ray is appalled. "He licked…where the _goats_ licked? Eeew!"

"I know, I know!" agrees Kowalski excitedly. He's having a hard time keeping a straight face when Fraser tells them about the importance of the mineral deposits that the goats ingest to replace the elements they lose over the winter. Kowalski talks right over him and says, "Yeah, whatever. I swear, Vecchio, that goat lick turned Fraser on. Big time. You shoulda seen his tongue, the way he went at it–"

Fraser sits up straight and gives a little tug at his tunic. "I most certainly was not, Ray."

"Not what?" Kowalski looks innocent.

Fraser leans across the table and lowers his voice. "I was not turned on, as you put it."

They squabble good-naturedly for a bit and all Ray knows is that whatever turns Fraser on, it isn't _him_. He keeps telling himself they're friends. They will always be friends. They will _only_ be friends.

They always invite Ray to come along, or Kowalski does, on their vacations, but nobody can ever accuse Ray Vecchio of being a third wheel. The last time Kowalski asked, he told him that he had better ways to spend his time, like…like doing paperwork and making sure they have enough toilet paper in the precinct, and doing all the other bureaucratic shit a lieutenant is supposed to be doing, and how he totally gets why Welsh was perpetually frustrated when he was in charge.

Ray doesn't miss the faint air of relief in Kowalski's eyes once he knows that Ray won't accompany them.

And yeah, he is now _Lieutenant_ Raymond Vecchio, of the Chicago PD.

 

**9\. Back in the Day - Postcards**

A few months after Kowalski and Fraser returned from their adventure, Fraser went home to Canada. It was obvious he didn't want to leave, but duty called. He accepted a shiny, new position that was supposed to be a great honor but involved a lot of ass-kissing and paperwork. It was pretty clear, right from the start, that it was the kind of job that was going to suck the life right out of Fraser if he stuck with it too long, but he insisted he would persevere.

As soon as Fraser's plane took off, Kowalski disappeared for a few days, which got everyone sending worried looks at each other. Ray got one of the tech guys to trace his cell phone but, knowing Kowalski, he'd let the battery run out, and it didn't show up on the radar.

Kowalski came back after ten days, sauntered into the station house all casual-like, like he'd just been around the corner for a cappuccino. Never said a word. Looked God-awful, but right away he hit the streets and closed a bunch of tough cases, all on his own. He refused a partner, grunted something about how they'd slow him down, "thank you kindly," which Ray took as sarcasm because there was no way Fraser's politeness had rubbed off on Kowalski. Within a short time, the blond detective had brought down a coke-and-prostitution ring that they'd never before been able to infiltrate, found two missing persons – both of them small kids – and pretty much single-handedly cleaned up the street corners from West 44th to Back of the Yards.

That winter, Kowalski's parents died within a couple of months of each other – Stella kept in touch with the family and told Ray – and Kowalski did his disappearing act again. That time Ray was really worried.

A few days later they received a postcard from Fraser that wished them a Merry Christmas and, by the way, informed them that Kowalski was staying with him over the holidays. Being a detective, Ray had already deduced as much from the picture on the card. It was a photo of Fraser with his arm around Kowalski's shoulder, standing in snow so deep it reached their armpits.

Ray was glad to see that Kowalski was alive and that he looked okay – not great, but okay – and that Benny was taking care of him.

It became a tradition after that, both the trip north every Christmastime, and the photo on the postcard that was always some variation on the same theme: a couple of buddies hugging each other in the snow.

It made Ray shiver just to think about it, but he saved all the postcards.

 

**10\. Back in the Day - Ships that Sail in the Night**

Ray's mother decided she'd go live with Frannie, who was up to three babies at that time, with another on the way. "I go where I'm needed," said Ma.

"Then go, just go!"

Ray had a feeling her nose was put out of joint by the ghosts in her kitchen, but if his mother saw them, she wasn't saying. She'd been making the sign of the cross a lot, though.

Ray was sort of lonely, but he pushed everyone away so it was his own stupid fault. After he had been back on the job for a while, and he had already worked his way through a handful of partners and had pissed off just about everybody in the precinct, Lieutenant Welsh threw him a curve ball and partnered him up with Kowalski. Oh yeah, that was a gas, but the funny thing was that the bickering sort of brightened Ray's day, and once he and Kowalski came to an understanding of sorts, they got along surprisingly well. And, when pressed, Ray would begrudgingly admit that Kowalski was a pretty good investigator, even if he went haywire at times without Fraser there to rein him in.

Fraser got a posting that suited him later that year, located somewhere in the armpit of the frozen north. He assured them he'd be back to visit, and damned if he didn't show up on the doorstep the next summer to take Kowalski on a trip with him. Fraser looked good and seemed okay with his latest transfer, even if he'd been assigned to some -23°C hell-hole that even the polar bears avoided.

"Where're you two going again?" Ray asked.

"Belle Plaine, Minnesota, Ray," said Fraser. "That is where the famous two-storey outhouse is located."

Ray couldn’t figure out what made them go to offbeat places like that, but who was he to say what was strange when every time he turned around, Joey and his dead pals (sometimes there'd be a dozen of them, appearing out of the peeling wallpaper like in _Field of Dreams_ ) would be cooking up a meal in his kitchen. Offbeat was when you let a dead guy cook your dinner for you.

The best part was always when Fraser brought Kowalski back to Chicago before he set off on the long journey home. Fraser would stick around for a few days and that's when the three of them would bum around, doing nothing in particular but somehow managing to enjoy themselves while doing it. Ray valued every moment they spent together but it was always so damned painful to say goodbye until the next year. He didn't know how Kowalski did it, when he was so close to Fraser. Man, it had to tear him apart.

After Fraser left, Detectives Vecchio and Kowalski went out and kicked some heads, whether they needed kicking or not. They became the team with the second highest solve rate in the city, the first highest being the Constable Fraser/ Det. Ray Vecchio team. That's where it got a bit confusing because the real Vecchio's records got mixed in with the substitute Vecchio's (Kowalski's) cases in his absence. Not that anyone was counting.

Whenever they ran into Stella, she turned tail rather than deal with the pair of them, which was fine by Ray. Not that he didn't care about her – he did. A lot. He just didn't want to be reminded of their failed marriage, which reminded him of being undercover in Vegas, and _that_ reminded him what he'd had to do to survive, which…Anyway, he didn't want to think about any of it so he avoided Stella at all costs.

 

**11\. Back in the Day - The Ladder of Success**

They partnered for eight years, him and Kowalski.

Even though they hadn't worked together for a couple of years now, Ray still thought of Kowalski as his partner. Sure, they'd quarreled and had come pretty close to punching each other's lights out a few times, but somewhere along the way they found they walked the same line, and from there on in, things just clicked.

After Ray caught a bullet in his hip, it was take either disability or head on up the ladder. The docs were adamant about it. No more field work.

That was how he inherited Lt. Welsh's job when the old man retired. Ray didn't want to ride a desk, but neither was he a big fan of sitting at home watching soaps all day. He tried hanging out with the guys at the cop bar on the corner, but whenever he returned home to the big empty loft, it was to find that his housemate, Detective Kowalski, was out there doing the job that Ray wanted to still be doing.

***–***

It took a while for Ray to recover after getting shot. He was in his late forties and it showed. After being released from the hospital, he was laid up for a couple of months and needed help just getting to the john. Luckily, he already had a live-in babysitter named Stanley Kowalski, and the loft had plenty of room in which to navigate a wheelchair, and then crutches when he graduated to those. Ray was glad of both the help and the company, and after all was said and done, he couldn’t think of anyone else who would have stuck by him like that – except for Fraser.

Kowalski had to get back to work at some point, so Fraser came down for a couple of weeks to be company for Ray. They played cards and watched TV, and Fraser cooked for him, all sorts of healthy crap. He helped him into the shower, did his exercises with him, and drove him to PT, too. Fraser understood; he'd been there and done that more than once. Ray appreciated everything they both did for him and even said so.

Kowalski was in and out of the loft because he was working two shifts, so whenever he dragged his ass home, he was so zonked out he fell asleep at the table. Fraser would rouse him enough to get him up into bed – Kowalski had a huge bed on the sleeping platform under the eaves – and from downstairs, lying in his rented hospital bed, Ray would hear the low murmurs of their voices. Sometimes there'd be a laugh and a whisper, and then there'd be silence and he'd almost cry in frustration, wanting it to be _him_ that Benny was tucking into bed.

The loft was too open and Fraser was sacking out on the couch, only six feet away, so no matter how much Ray wanted to jerk off while picturing Fraser's mouth sucking wetly on the head of his dick, he knew it wasn't a good idea. Between the pain in his hip and being horny for what he couldn’t have, Ray had trouble sleeping. By the time the sun came up, Fraser would be puttering around in the kitchen, making breakfast, talking in low tones to Kowalski while handing him a packet of M&Ms. Ray didn't have to look at the nearby couch to know that the blanket would be neatly folded with the pillow on top of it.

It came to the point when Ray realized he was falling in love with Fraser. This wasn't like years ago, when he was bowled over by that Vegas-light-show realization that he lusted after his partner. This was something a lot deeper, and even if his feelings made Ray uncomfortable and uneasy, and okay he was a bit scared, too, he didn't know what to do about them.

After two weeks, when Fraser said, with regret, that his leave was up, Ray felt both disappointment and relief.

***–***

They gave Welsh a big send-off when he retired, and Ray stepped into the lieutenant's shoes. They were not easy to fill, but Ray worked hard at it. Over time, his injury healed up enough that he could have passed the physical and gone back to working the street if he'd wanted. Instead, he stuck with the job running Major Crimes and, if he said so himself, he was pretty good at it.

Even if Ray was the guy in charge of the two-seven, he still got out and did some nose-to-the-ground, old-fashioned detective work when there was an interesting case. Hell, he was the boss, so who was gonna say otherwise? Besides, he'd commandeer Kowalski and they partner up again, just for old times' sake.

Sometimes life was good, or at least tolerable.

 

 **12.** **The Here and Now - The 49 th Parallel**

Over another cup of coffee, Ray watches his two partners as they talk. Fraser seems pretty relaxed, but Kowalski is acting twitchy and fiddles with an unlit cigarette until Frase gently takes it away.

Something is going down and Ray gets the feeling he isn't going to like it, whatever it is.

***–***

Kowalski has been meeting up with Fraser for ten years now, twice a year, like clockwork. He used to come back happy and rested, but this time, after Christmas, he returned with a mix of happy and miserable going on.

It reminds Ray of when Dief chewed a donut-shaped squeaky toy into tiny little bits, and then got this expression like he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why it tasted like rubber. That's what Kowalski looks like, sort of bewildered.

***–***

Soon it's back to business, with Kowalski working cases with his usual intensity. It's like he's never been away. Like he isn't missing Fraser so bad he feels sick. Ray knows that feeling all too well and he can see it all over Kowalski's face. Not to sound too unsympathetic, but Ray hates facing his friend over breakfast when he's down in the dumps and trying hard to conceal it. It's just too hard to watch.

Ray sometimes catches Kowalski staring off into the distance – in the direction he must think is north but is actually southeast. Kowalski's sense of direction had always been shit. He'll have this look of yearning on his face that makes Ray want to shake him. Life really is a bitch, and it's way too short to sit around brooding when you can be out there doing something about it.

He says exactly those words to Kowalski when he mopes around for too damn long. "Life is way too short to sit around brooding when you can be out there doing something about it, you dumb jamoke." Ray gets the finger and a door slammed in his face for his trouble. Big surprise.

Normally Ray would walk away but this time he has a feeling that Kowalski is hiding more than just being unhappy. Ever since he got back, he's been acting strange, like staying out all night when he isn't on stakeout, and being sneaky about it. When Ray finally bites the bullet and taunts him for having a secret girlfriend, Kowalski lights into him and there is some shoving that leads to something a lot heavier. They both back off after a couple of punches, and Kowalski chills, but whatever is eating at him is still hanging over him. He won't talk about it even after Ray cooks him kielbasa and kapusta for dinner _and_ does the dishes, but at least Kowalski grunts a thank you.

Why the hell Kowalski hasn't pulled up stakes and followed his heart is beyond Ray. It isn't like he doesn't have enough years under his belt. Kowalski's reflexes are slowing down and he can't work the street forever. Ray worries about him sometimes. Okay, he worries a lot, but if you take all the time Kowalski spent undercover and double the hours, he is eligible for a tidy retirement package. Ray knows this because he's in the same boat.

Whatever has been holding Kowalski back sure isn't Fraser. Over the years the Mountie has made enough hints that he will happily guide Kowalski through the forest of Canadian immigration's red tape, should he ever desire to join him up north.

Ray tried to bring up the subject but Kowalski quickly shuts him down. They might live in the same place, and might share all sorts of things, Like shaving lotion if one of them runs out, but no way is Ray going to butt in and give unasked-for advice. If he does, he is sure to get his head bitten off.

Yeah, they've shared a lot of things, including their love for Fraser, though Ray has never stepped over the line that was clearly marked 'friends must stay on this side.' Not like Kowalski. He jumped over that line without thinking of the consequences, right at the start. Yeah, that's him, Mr. Impulsive.

Not that Ray can blame him. Just look at Fraser, handsome as all get-out. The man is trustworthy, principled, and chivalrous in a world that has apparently forgotten the true meaning of those words. And Fraser smells of fresh pine and damp wool. He is brainy, loves nature and knows how to survive in the Arctic with only a piece of string and a single bent match. He can sing, too – God, so beautifully it makes you weep to hear him. Fraser practically oozes sensuality without any apparent effort, and the way he looks at you with those polar-ice blue eyes, so open and honest and totally _giving_ , and yet he doesn't have a clue how attractive he is. Or if he recognizes the signs that you're interested, he doesn't know how to deal with it.

And there are those stories Fraser tells, those damned stories he recounts about polar bears and reindeer, and towns (population: 2) with unpronounceable names that nobody has ever heard of, and about the Inuit people and their rituals. The funny thing is that even if the meanings of the lengthy, detailed stories are lost on Ray, he loves to listen to Fraser's voice droning on and on in an endless, broken record kinda way. It's like being in church and hearing the Mass in Latin: the meaning is pretty obvious even if nobody but a monk could decipher the actual words.

And through it all, Fraser manages to be – for all of his smarts and oblivious-to-danger bravery and unwavering dedication to justice – one of the most annoying men he's ever encountered. Ray smiles. Yeah, that's his Benny: infuriating at times. His smile fades. No, not _his_. Fraser isn't _his_. That will never happen, not in his lifetime. He has to put it out of his mind.

Ray is certain that Kowalski had his first taste of Fraser during that Arctic adventure of theirs. Whatever they got going on has been steady ever since. Well, as steady as it can be when you live and work a couple of thousand miles apart. There is a very good reason for Kowalski to keep going back to Canada every year, namely Benton Fraser. And nobody but _nobody_ in his right mind would voluntarily go to the land-of-no-sun unless there was a hot Mountie in a warm bed waiting for him.

Which brings Ray to the thought that he wishes it was him in that bed. It isn't a new thought, but it is a pervasive one. He has never batted that way, man-on-man, but Ray knows, without a doubt, that he'd be catcher to Benny's pitcher any day, if given the chance.

The big problem is that Ray will never go up north again, not if his life depends on it. It isn't the being gay thing that stops him. It's the cold. It took him a month to thaw out the one time he followed Fraser to Canada. Hard to believe it's been a dozen years since his own little adventure with Fraser, which included getting shot at by assassins on snowmobiles, and other fun stuff. Shit, all that snow and the bleak landscape that stretched on forever, and the feeling that he was being crushed by the vast, frightening nothingness. Ray shudders at the memory. He can't, just _can't_. Not even for Benny.

From the moment he planted his booted feet back on good old Chicago pavement, Ray swore to never go anywhere north of the 49th parallel again. Fraser beckons; not literally, of course, but Ray knows he'll be welcomed with open arms if he chooses to go, whether it be for a couple of weeks or for longer…like maybe forever. But is it worth the trade-off? Becoming sometimes-lovers versus lifelong friends?

 

**13\. The Here and Now - Revelations**

They sit around, chewing the fat, talking over old times and the other guys bring up some cases Ray would rather not remember. When the conversation gets around to Gardino, and they pause, remembering his death, Ray feels like he can't get enough air. He wipes the sweat off his forehead and drinks an entire glass of water, zoning out so he doesn't hear the rest of the conversation. There's a hand on his shoulder and he looks up and sees that it's Kowalski, and it's apparent he's repeated the same question a couple of times.

Kowalski  asks, "Hey, you okay there, Raymond? You look sorta weirded out."

Kowalski never calls him Raymond unless there's something really wrong, and Ray sees him give Fraser a sideways look. They've been talking about him behind his back. Ray shrugs the hand off his shoulder. "Weirded out? That supposed to mean something in Stanley-speak?"

Kowalski gets a bit angry. "It means I'm asking if you're feeling okay. You zoned out there. What's going on with you?"

Ray knows he cares about him or he wouldn’t persist. He gives a little shake of his head, unable to reply.

"Perhaps Ray needs some air," Fraser suggests.

"I don't need air," Ray says sharply. Fraser gets a hurt look in his eyes but he gives a slow nod, like he understands what is going on. _Maybe he'll tell me_ , thinks Ray, _because I sure as hell don't have a clue._

His two friends share one of those looks again and Ray turns on Kowalski. "So how about you share what's going on with you, Kowalski? _You've_ been acting weird for a coupla weeks now."

That makes Kowalski squirm and he plays around with his bracelet until Ray is about to rip it off and toss it over his shoulder.

Fraser sees the pot is about to boil over and takes charge. "Ray, I believe that Ray," he says, nodding at Kowalski, "has something important to share with you. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that we both have something we wish to disclose to you, but as it would be impolite, not to mention confusing, for both of us to speak at the same time, one of us should go first." He begins to rise and says, "I could leave…"

"Don't you dare leave me with this!" Kowalski grabs Fraser's arm across the table, though he lets go of it as soon as Fraser takes his seat again.

Man, Kowalski is nervous like nothing else. Whatever it is, it has to be pretty big. And that's when Ray gets it. _Holy Mother…_ They're gonna do it, tie the knot, probably with one of those commitment ceremonies that Kowalski calls 'committed,' like they're going to end up in the loony bin. _Oh God, please, do not have them ask me to be the best man!_

He's gonna hyperventilate if he doesn't get out of there. Ray fumbles for his wallet and blindly tosses some cash down. "You know what, it's been a long day, and I'm sure you two have some important planning to do, and you don't need me for that." He rises mid-sentence and even though he doesn't actually look at them, he sees they're floored, but he can't stop to figure out why. He has to get out of there before he really loses it.

It's Fraser who stops him, stands in his way, and when Ray tries to push past, Fraser hugs him. God, he can feel how solid Benny is, and even though Ray is in one hell of a state, his dick perks up at the rough contact. Fraser has to feel it, even through his layers of clothing, and Ray feels his face color up.

"Hey, we're in public here," he says, trying to make it sound like a joke. Fraser doesn't release him until Ray says, his voice high and strained, "Please, Benny."

"I'm sorry, Ray. I thought that perhaps you needed a shoulder to…well, that is, I felt compelled…"

Some of his panic subsides and Ray lets out a snort of a laugh. "I'm okay. I'm really beat, though, so–"

"Come back here and sit down, Ray," says Kowalski. He's right behind Ray, standing so close he can feel his body heat. "We'll all sit down. C'mon, Fraser, let's get this done."

 

**14\. The Here and Now - Years**

The thing is, Ray is pretty sure that should he ever decide to shoulder his way between Kowalski and Benny, there is a good chance that Kowalski would step aside. Not that he wants to get between them, to mess up their twice-a-year love fest or nothing.

Truth? Truth is that Ray Vecchio is starting to feel his years, and he feels something like jealousy when he thinks of his two best friends – his only friends – having something so great together. He isn't jealous of them doing it, exactly, but he wants to be part of what they have together. He wants someone to yearn for him, to feel bad when they're apart, to get all antsy in the weeks preceding his vacation because he's gonna be meeting up with the one guy who truly knows him, who actually gives a rat's ass about whether or not he lives or dies. Is that too much to want out of life?

Yeah Kowalski would bitch and moan, but in the end, Ray has a feeling he would share. If Ray _asked_. Which he won't. He values his friendship with Fraser way too much to wreck it just because he can't keep his dick in his pants. After working and living with Kowalski, he's come to care about their friendship, and he doesn't want to risk it.

 

**15\. Back in the Day - Chocolate Cake**

He didn't want Kowalski to be his partner. He sneered and made wiseass comments, and made Kowalski's life miserable until that time they had to storm a building where some ass-wipe was holding a kid hostage. The perp was screaming like a banshee, saying he was going to rip the kid's head off and it looked like he might do it, too.

Ray was swearing up a storm because there was no way their backup was going to make it on time, and that's when he realized, all of a sudden, that his backup had been at his side the whole time. It took a while, but he came to trust Kowalski. Ray liked working with him, and together they made one hell of a good team.

It was Kowalski who brought him home from the hospital when he couldn’t even walk, much less take care of himself. And the cocky bastard had done everything, like _everything_ for him when he was sick and puking 'cause of the meds, and being a pain because of the friggin' pain, and he never turned a hair. Afterwards, when Ray was able to take a crap on his own without falling into the john, and he could do a slow shuffle to and from the bathroom, Ray – the other Ray – celebrated by baking him a cake that was covered in M &Ms.

"What's it spell?" asked Ray, puzzling over the candies embedded in a generous amount of chocolate frosting.

"Partners," Kowalski replied, beaming. "C'mon, let's eat."

Ray squinted at the M&Ms and could just about make out the letters spelling out PARTNRS. He didn't tell Kowalski that he'd forgotten the E. "Good," Ray said through a mouthful of what was a damned good chocolate cake. "Real good. Thanks." Kowalski shrugged so Ray made a point of saying, "For everything, dickhead," while rolling his eyes, which made Kowalski grin.

 

**16\. The Here and Now - Angst and Acronyms**

Ray sits back down in the booth, only this time Kowalski is sitting over by Fraser. This isn't looking good.

Fraser stacks their dirty dishes and pushes them to one side, then says, "I'm moving back to Chicago, Ray."

"Huh?" Shit, Ray hadn't expected that. He should be happy, ecstatic even, but he knows there's a catch in here somewhere. "You're moving out then?" he asks, and looks directly at Kowalski, who runs his fingers through his silver-blond hair, as if it isn't spiky enough.

The expression on Kowalski's face is almost comical, like he's been caught out but isn't quite sure what Ray's got on him. "What?"

Ray accuses, "You two are gonna live together," but before he even finishes, both Fraser and Kowalski say at the same time, "No!"

"Then what the hell is going on?" Ray demands.

The two men sitting opposite him briefly look at each other and Fraser says, "Well, Ray, as you know I am now a Corporal in the RCMP, and although I have been offered a very generous position in Ottowa, I have instead been able to gain approval and funding to start a cross-border anti-terrorist task force, which I will be heading. There has been great interest in providing security on the borders, and as I am familiar with the operation of both the law enforcement and the criminal element on both sides of the fence, I was deemed to be the best candidate–"

"Tell him, Fraser, how it was all your idea, how you spent all your down time working on the big plan," Kowalski urged.

"Yes, well, I did prepare a plan in great detail and both of our governments were in favor of creating small, paramilitary units that can jump into the scene at a moment's notice…"

Ray asks, "So this means you're staying? For how long?" This is too good to be true.

"It will take two years to set up the program. I am going to begin training teams right away, and at the same time we will be recruiting new men and women. When the first team is prepared I will accompany them out on their first cases, of course, in a supervisory position and…You appear to have some questions, Ray?"

Ray doesn't know where to start. "You're really staying? Here in Chicago?" He can't take all of this in, but who cares about the details so long as Fraser is back.

"Yes, I am. I was able to liaise with the Chicago Police Department and we will be using the police training facilities as headquarters."

"And you're gonna be the head honcho?"

Fraser rubs his eyebrow, tries not to smile, and fails. He beams and says, "Yes, I have been entrusted–"

Kowalski interrupts, "Hell, of course he's in charge. This is Frase we're talking about here."

Ray grins, getting the enthusiasm. "That's great, Benny. This is…wow. So, this agency of yours, it's got a name?"

Kowalski laughs as Fraser says, "Of course, Ray. The new cross-border anti-terrorism unit is called the Strategic Counter-terrorism Assessment Team." Fraser turns to Kowalski with a sour expression. "I hardly think it is fitting, Ray, that as a member of my team and a teacher of undercover work, you burst into laughter whenever the name is spoken."

Ray doesn't get it. Kowalski thumps his palm on the table and goes red in the face, but eventually he calms down enough to say to Ray, "Strategic Counter-terrorism Assessment Team. C'mon, you can figure out what the arc-, arac-, aracno-thing is."

" _Acronym_ , Ray," says Fraser, obviously for the umpteenth time.

"Yeah, yeah, like I said. S. C. A. T.," Kowalski spells out. "Get it?"

Ray narrows his eyes and then he gets it. "Oh. Shit! SCAT? Who the hell chose that moniker? Oh, Benny." He shakes his head, joining in the laughter.

Fraser makes a fuss and when he seems upset, Ray eases off, and they end up talking about SCAT over pie and coffee. They're about to leave when Fraser says something in Kowalski's ear, and all of a sudden it's like they're back to square one, with Kowalski squirming and saying, "I _can't_ , Frase. Not now."

Ray's had enough and, no matter how entertaining this late-night get-together has been, he is ready to go home. "Look, no matter what it is, it can't be as bad as SCAT. Sorry, Fraser."

Kowalski runs one hand over his mouth and Ray sees he is genuinely troubled. He sighs and leans forward expectantly. "Spit it out."

Kowalski takes a breath and bursts out with, "Well you know how Stella and me were always at odds about wanting kids, and that was because of my job mostly, even if I know the breakup was mostly – okay more than _mostly_ – my fault…"

Fraser places his hand on Kowalski's wrist, clasping it in what looks like a firm grip, and immediately Kowalski calms down a notch. He swallows and says, "Stella and me, we went to a christening before Christmas, her cousin's baby, and Stella was looking really pretty. You know, since the cancer…"

Ray knows how well Kowalski took care of him after he was shot, so he has a pretty good idea of how caring and devoted Ray was, supporting Stella through her chemo. To Ray, Kowalski is a hero, because no matter how much Ray cares about Stella, he thinks it would've killed him to see her sick and in pain, and suffering from all the side effects that went hand-in-hand with the treatments.

"…so Laurie, she's the cousin who's had like six kids already, she's the one who brought it up and…well…I guess it musta sunk in, with the cancer and all, how much she was missing, and she's changed a lot, too, and…" Kowalski takes a breath and says definitively, "We agreed to do it. The three of us."

Ray meets Kowalski's eyes as he tries to sift through the information that is laid out before him. There's something missing, an important fact. "You three agreed?" He glances over at Fraser, who then shakes his head. No, he isn't the third one. Then who? "Stella's cousin Laurie," Ray says slowly.

Kowalski nods. "Yeah. Her."

"Okay…"

"We did the turkey baster thing, you know? And it took!"

Ray is still in the dark and Fraser isn't being any help. He's watching Kowalski's face with this expression like he adores him and then Kowalski says joyfully, "And it took and we're having a baby – Stella and me! I'm having a kid, Ray!"

 

**17\. The Here and Now - Timing is Everything**

Ray splashes some more water on his face. At least he doesn't feel like he is going to lose all the food he's eaten, or faint, or overload his circuit breakers. He doesn't know what to think, and his emotions are all over the place. Fraser steered him towards the bathroom, and told him to let it sink in, and that it'd seem better in the morning. Somehow, Ray doubts that very much.

The door to the men's room opens and Ray doesn't have to look up to know it's Kowalski. Shit, not good timing.

"You okay?"

Ray dries his hands and slowly turns around. He controls his features, bringing some of Langoustini to the surface. "Yeah, I'm just fine. My partner and best friend – that's you, Kowalski." He pokes a finger in his chest and doesn't much care that it angers the blond man. "My ex-partner is not only gonna have a kid with my…excuse me…with _our_ ex-wife, but you're gonna fucking marry her? And to top it all off, you've got Fraser wrapped around your finger and you even get to work with him in his own SCAT anti-terrorist special agency!"

"You don't get it, do you?" asks Kowalski, shaking his head.

"No, I don't get it. All I want is a little piece of it, and you…somehow you manage to get it all, Kowalski. You get Stella and a kid, and you get Benny, and you'll all retire soon, and go live happily in Freezerland and I'll never get to see any of you again. How'd you do that, huh? How'd you get everyone to fall in love with you? I mean do you even have an idea how big that is? How much some people would die for just a little bit of that?"

"You don't get it!"

Ray roars in Kowalski's face, "What the fuck don't I get?"

Kowalski steps in close and gets right in Vecchio's face. "It isn't me he loves you lug-head! Fraser never asked me to stay up there, permanent-like, because what he really wants, deep down, is to be here. Right _here_. Why the fuck do you think he's gone to so much trouble to create this cross-border thing? He wants to be _here_."

Ray stares at Kowalski and splutters, "No way. Benny's born and bred to be a Canuck, you idiot. He hates it down here. You're retiring up there with him. You said…"

Kowalski shakes his head again as if deeply disappointed. "And I thought you were a detective, Vecchio. He loves it up there, yeah, all that snow and cold and shit, and yeah, he loves me, too." He laughs, a short bark of a laugh. "And as for me, I'm nuts about the guy, have been from day one. You know about that. But things have changed and I know where I belong and it is _not_ with him. Not any more. But what he wants, what he _needs_ , is you," he said, poking Vecchio in the chest hard enough that Ray thinks he'll get a bruise. "And if you don't go out there and fucking well do something about it, then you're a bigger ass than I think you are."

"What?" asks Ray stupidly.

Kowalski gives him a crooked smile. "Oh, and I have to tell you, I'm moving out of the loft. I don't want to leave you high and dry or nothing, but Stella and I are buying a house. We want to raise the baby in a nice place." He smiles brightly and it lights up his entire face. "Man, never thought I'd be so lucky. You know, I was worried sick about breaking all of this to you, but Frase said you could take it okay. You'll be fine."

"I'm not…I'm not fine," Ray insists.

Kowalski pats Ray's cheek and smiles sweetly. "You will be once you go on out there and get your man. He's going to need somewhere to stay, and you have plenty of space."

 

**18\. The Here and Now - Changes**

Ray finds Fraser at the door and without saying anything they walk outside. Kowalski is long gone.

The snow has stopped falling and it has coated the sidewalks and streets with a fine, white powder that glistens in the streetlights. Ray sticks his hands in his pockets, not knowing what to say, or even if Fraser knows the half of what's going on, or has a hint about how he feels.

"Are you all right, Ray?"

Ray pulls his collar up and nods. "Sure. Sure, why not?" He forces a smile and asks the stupidest question. "So, you sleeping at the consulate?"

Fraser never takes his eyes off Ray when he says, "No, I'm not, Ray." Without any warning, he pulls Ray into a hug. It's brief but heartfelt, and it warms Ray up better than the heater on at full blast in the Riviera. "I understand you have a spare room at your loft, and if it won't inconvenient you too much, I would appreciate–"

"Hell, I love you," Ray blurts. It's like a damn breaks and all his emotions let go and he's about to fucking start bawling with relief or something, because he knows now that he has a chance at happiness, and Fraser is smiling at him like he's the best thing he's ever seen, and Ray doesn't know what to say.

"And I love you, too, Ray." He slings his arm around Ray's shoulders and guides him towards where his car is parked. "You know, I have an opening on my team that might suit you, Ray."

"What, you think I'll be able to say, with a straight face, 'Hi, I'm Agent Vecchio, from SCAT.' No way. I'll get laughed off the street, Benny."

"You will get used to it, no doubt, and besides, I don't know why you have a problem with the word, Ray. Scat is merely animal droppings and–"

"Benny, not tonight, okay? You can read me the entire dictionary tomorrow, but tonight I need…" He was going to say he needs sleep, but he catches the way Fraser is looking at him and his breath is taken away.

"You need?" prompts Fraser.

"I guess…now I've got you, there isn't really anything I need." Wow, that is an amazing thought. He looks at Benny's mouth and wonders if he can subsist on Fraser, and Fraser alone. He stares into Benny's eyes and says, sounding awestruck, which he is, "No, I've got everything I need, right here."

For a moment Fraser doesn't reply and Ray's heart is in his mouth, and he's wondering if somehow he's read him wrong. Then Fraser smiles and there is so much damned love and understanding in his expression that, once again, Ray forgets to breathe.

"Me too, Ray," says Fraser. "Me, too."

***–*** **the end** ***–***


End file.
